WHERE CONFESSION MEETS GRACE

Therapy in Session

I sit in front of Pastor Bradley and his wife, Stephanie, with tears rolling down my face. My left leg is restless, which usually happens when I feel anxious. This is my first counseling session with them, and I’m overwhelmed by a wide range of emotions that I can’t quite explain at the moment. The pastor simply asked me, “What brought you in today?” and I struggle to find the words to express what I’m experiencing. I lean forward to grab a tissue from the coffee table to blow my nose, feeling embarrassed that I’m unable to hold my composure.

“Take your time, Danielle,” he says.

I close my eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and begin to speak. “I don’t trust my thoughts. I’m afraid that I’m losing my grip on reality.”

“What do you mean? Are you hearing voices?” asks Stephanie.

“Oh my goodness, no! Nothing like that. Um, I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that I tend to mentally check out throughout the day. I lose track of time. My mind feels scattered. I feel like I don’t have control over my life anymore.”

Pastor Bradley asks, “Did something happen recently to trigger these thoughts and feelings?”

“Yes, my boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and I just found out that I’ll be a bridesmaid again. My youngest sister recently got engaged, and although I’m very happy and excited for her, it’s triggering unpleasant feelings within me. She’s six years younger than I am. It’s just embarrassing at this point.”

“Why do you feel embarrassed?” he inquires.

“I was in a five-year relationship, and after all those years, he told me that he realized we weren’t on the same page. He didn’t want children and wasn’t sure he was ready for marriage.” 

Stephanie chimes in, “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

I tried to continue speaking, but my voice began to crack, so I paused to wipe the tears rolling down my cheek with this now rather soiled tissue. Taking a deep breath, I pressed on.

“What’s really weighing on me is the huge mistake I made in the past when I allowed my ex to convince me to do something I regret. I’m afraid God is punishing me for it now. I worry that I’ve committed an unforgivable sin.”

I could see that my feelings saddened Pastor Bradley and his wife. Stephanie offered me another tissue, and I felt a bit ashamed for using the same one that clearly needed to be thrown away.

He looked at me firmly but spoke with compassion. “I want to point out that those feelings are lies from the enemy. The Word says that God will never leave nor forsake you, and that if you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive you. The Bible tells us that once we repent of our sins, God remembers them no more and casts our past sins into the sea of forgetfulness. Have you asked God for forgiveness?”

“Yes, many times, but I can’t shake the guilt I feel.”

Stephanie came to sit on the sofa next to me and placed her hand on my back. She looked at her husband and said, “Babe, we need to pray.” Pastor Bradley nodded and bowed his head.

“Heavenly Father,  

We thank you for trusting us to minister to your daughter and our sister in Christ, Danielle. You know what is troubling her, and we ask that you reveal the truth of your Word…”

As the pastor prayed over me, I instantly felt peace. A warm, soothing presence enveloped me, and I believed it was the presence of God.

After the prayer, I gathered the courage to share with the pastor and his wife what had brought me in today. It was the first time I had ever spoken my story out loud, and as I began to share, I felt like I was slipping into a trance taking me back in time.

THE CLINIC

I sat in the waiting area, in disbelief that he just left me there. He paid for everything and then walked out. I was so scared to face this alone. I didn’t want to go through with the procedure, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t afford to take care of the baby, and the thought of adoption felt unbearable. How could I carry this baby for nine months and not get attached? I was just supposed to hand my baby over to strangers? Besides that, the baby’s father was very clear that he didn’t want it, and that broke my heart because my own father didn’t want me. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my child ever experience that kind of rejection. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. How could I bring a baby into this world to feel unloved and abandoned by the very people who are supposed to love them? 

I looked around the waiting room, which was full of young women, most of whom were around my age and looking scared, confused, or heartbroken. Many sat alone, crying as they filled out their paperwork. Others were with significant others, friends, or parents. There was a palpable darkness hovering over the place, a heaviness that weighed on me. Everything in me wanted to leave, but I ignored the quiet voice that told me to walk out. I now know that was the Holy Spirit, and I chose to ignore Him.

“Danielle Adams?” 

My heart dropped. The moment I’d been dreading had arrived, and I was still conflicted. Nevertheless, I decided to head back with the nurse. At that moment, something changed inside me. A part of me died long before the baby did.

“Ms. Adams, please relax,” the doctor said firmly.

My body was tense, and my legs shook uncontrollably. They couldn’t put me under anesthesia because my boyfriend hadn’t stayed. Your ride has to remain on the premises during the procedure; otherwise, they can't provide sedation. 

Frustrated, the doctor looked at the nurse and instructed her to calm me down because he couldn’t proceed until I did. The nurse grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes, and told me to breathe. She reassured me that I could hold her hand for as long as I needed, and that she was right there with me. She began talking to me, trying to take my mind off things. “You look so young. Are you in college?” she asked. I could sense her heart breaking for me. I felt her compassion, which helped me to relax a bit. I shared that I was about to start nursing school soon, and we chatted for what seemed like five minutes. Then it was done. I felt physical pain, but the emotional pain was much more unbearable. I left lying to myself that I had done the right thing and tried to put the moment behind me, or so I thought.

Here I was, five years later, sitting in Pastor Bradley’s office, haunted by that very act. My ex promised me that we would get married and try for a baby once we were settled in our careers. I am so angry that I believed him. I feel robbed.

Stephanie looked at me, leaned in for a hug, and said, “You are going to be alright. We are here for you, and we will help you sort through these feelings. God loves you so much. You have to believe that you are forgiven. Most importantly, you need to forgive yourself. Yes, abortion is wrong; it's a sin, and we don't condone it. So is fornication. God wants us to enjoy that kind of intimacy within the covenant of marriage. I know right now you may not see it, but this breakup was actually God’s protection. The Lord wants us to be accountable for our sins, and He will convict us to correct but never condemn. Please know that God is rich in grace and mercy, and He cares for you. He wants you to put this behind you. Let go of the anger, the pain, the heartbreak, and forgive your ex and yourself. Also, be patient with yourself honey because healing takes time.”

Pastor Bradley also offered some words of encouragement and suggested that we continue. 

“You mentioned earlier that you feel like you are losing your grip on reality. Can you describe what that feels like?” 

There was a long pause before I continued. I noticed Pastor Bradley shifted in his chair a bit, crossed his legs, and began looking at me intently, fully engaged, almost intrigued by that statement. There was something about his calm demeanor and attentiveness that put me at ease. He reminds me of Blair Underwood, while Stephanie is absolutely stunning and brings to mind Stacey Dash, although a bit lighter in complexion. They are truly a handsome couple. I wish to have a love like theirs one day. They recently celebrated their 20th anniversary, and you can see the love, respect, honor, and admiration they have for one another.

I snap out of it and continue, “It feels like I’m walking down this hallway, and there are so many doors—doors on my right and on my left. Every door looks exactly alike, bare and without labels. I don’t remember which door I came out of. I’m not sure if I should go back or just continue forward or choose a door. What if it’s the wrong door? I’m scared because the hallway is long, and the further I go down the hall, the darker it looks behind me, as if it’s disappearing. I’m terrified that I will get lost and not be able to find my way back.”

“That sounds scary,” he replies.

“Yes!” I say, letting out a deep sigh coupled with a giggle, relieved that he seems to understand because I certainly don’t.

Pastor Bradley then says, “What I’m hearing is that you may be afraid of exploring new possibilities because you don’t believe you deserve to move forward. It’s clear you want to leave parts of your past behind, but shedding parts of your identity may be scary. You believe you’re putting the baby to rest for good, and the memory somehow keeps the baby alive. Does that sound accurate?”

“Yes.”

“To be clear, you can’t erase the past; what’s done is done. We would like to help you work through this and make peace with it. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, I would like that.”

“Start by telling me about something specific that you are afraid of.”

There is a long pause. “I’m afraid that I’ll die without ever finding love, marrying, or having a family of my own. I’m afraid of death because I don’t know what will happen to me after I die. I clearly deserve hell because I’m not a good person for doing such a thing. I don't know how to move past this.”

“Oh honey, no, no, no! We all have fallen short of the glory of God—every single person. Those thoughts are from the pits of hell, and we rebuke the lies of the enemy right now in Jesus' name. It's so important for you to understand that you are not defined by what you did. You are precious to God. He has a plan and purpose for your life, and He will turn this around for your good. You are still so young; there is time for marriage and children. Continue to pray that the Lord will guide your footsteps and show you the life He has for you,” Stephanie adds.

There is a light knock on the door. Nicole, the church secretary, pops her head in. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I’m afraid this can’t wait. There’s an important call for you, Pastor. It’s about the property.”

“Thank you, Nicole.”

Pastor Bradley looks down at his watch and jumps up. “Danielle, I apologize; I have to take this call. I wish we had more time, but unfortunately, we need to end today's session a few minutes early. What you have shared here with us today is completely confidential. Thank you for your transparency; we will help you work through this, okay? Just hang in there.”

“Thank you, Pastor,” I say.

He asks Stephanie if she would finish up, gives me a hug, and says goodbye. 

“Danielle, I have an assignment for you. I want you to read Ephesians chapter 6. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal who you are. It’s vital for you to understand your identity in Christ and how to put on the full armor of God so that you’ll know how to fight the enemy. Can you do that?”

“Yes ma’am, I sure will.”

“I really want to encourage you to develop your own personal relationship with God. We are here for guidance and any support you may need, but He is the one who has the power to heal and restore what’s been broken. Most people focus only on the baby, which is understandable, but the mothers who’ve gone through abortion grieve the loss of their babies even though it was their own decision. I will be praying that God heals your broken heart.”

Stephanie stands up, smooths out the wrinkles in her skirt, leans in for another hug, and this time, she holds me tightly. Then she steps back slightly, looks me in the eyes, and says, “I need you to hear me and hear me well. I hear the Lord say that when He looks at you, He doesn’t see abortion; instead, He sees His precious daughter. I hear Him saying, ‘You are Mine, Danielle; I call you by name. I have a plan and purpose for your life. I’m calling you to the nations.’”

We stand in silence for a moment as she allows me time to process the prophetic word, and then she walks me out. 

I feel lighter. Both she and pastor Bradley were so warm and encouraging, and while I know it will be a long road to healing, I feel as though a weight has been lifted. 

I sit in the car for a moment before pulling away, and then it hits me—I begin to wail, crying from the depths of my soul. I’ve just encountered a dose of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness through them. I put my car in reverse and cried out in a loud voice, “Thank you, Jesus!” singing praises unto the Lord.