FORGIVENESS: THE HARDEST COMMAND

I sit here in a state of confusion, twirling my wedding band and occasionally looking down at my ring, admiring its brilliance. I love this ring. I’m not ready to take it off.

“I feel like I wasted my 20s and 30s, and for what? I’m so angry that I’ve given him 17 years of my life! What really infuriates me is that he’s not thinking about the kids. If he cared about their well-being, he would try harder to work on the marriage. He is so selfish! He’s probably running around town now, flaunting his little fling. Ugh! And I’m left to pick up the pieces and deal with all the kids' emotions. I don’t know what to tell them. I’m trying to wrap my mind around it myself.” I let out a deep, frustrated sigh.

“Maya, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it’s hard,” Kasey replied.

“And where is our waiter?” I said. Kasey and I started laughing; she knows poor customer service is one of my biggest pet peeves. Kasey has been my best friend since high school and probably knows me better than I know myself.

“I’m just as shocked as you are. Josh was like a brother to me. I know you two were having problems, but I didn’t expect this. What happened?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. I keep replaying all the years we’ve spent together, trying to make sense of things. Yes, we had problems, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. I did notice he started being more distant about nine months ago. He stopped calling me throughout the day. When I called him, he would cut the conversation short. He would come home a little later, saying he was swamped at work. It was stuff like that. But we still went on dates and were intimate regularly until the past couple of months. Then yesterday, he served me divorce papers.”

“Hi, my name is Jessica. I’ll be your server today. What can I get you two ladies to drink?”

Kasey gave me the “stop it” look. I guess my face showed how annoyed I was that the waitress took so long.

“I’ll have a sweet tea, please,” I said.

“I’ll have a lemonade. Thank you,” Kasey added.

“Perfect! I’ll be back with those drinks soon.”

“How did you find out about the other woman?”

“He told me,” I replied as I nodded my head in disbelief. 

Kasey’s eyes filled with tears as she said, “You don’t deserve this. My heart breaks for you. You have given Josh your life. I have watched you cater to him and be so selfless, you’re always putting others' needs above your own. My heart shatters for your children Lori, Cali, and little Josh.”

Seeing Kasey tear up made it impossible for me not to join her. I buried my face in my hands and began to weep. This was the first time I cried since finding out about everything. I felt humiliated, discarded, naïve, angry, and hurt.

Jessica returned with our drinks and said, “I can come back if you need a minute.” I reassured her that it was okay, and Kasey and I placed our orders. We continued to talk for another hour or so after finishing our meal. I was in no rush to go home, and thankfully, my mom offered to help look after the kids for a few weeks while I sorted everything out. Thinking about my babies filled me with a wave of rage; forget about me, they don’t deserve this. Lori is 15, Cali is 10, and little Joshy is just 4.

Kasey invited me to visit her church in the morning, and I agreed to go. I’m a Christian, but I don’t attend church regularly because life gets so busy with the kids, and I usually appreciate resting on Sundays. Josh and I would catch up on our favorite shows, and we’d all hang out as a family. Right now, I could really use some encouragement, so I decided I will go to church.

CHURCH SERVICE

I texted Kasey to let her know I had parked. I could hear the worship team from the parking lot, and instantly felt uplifted, missing church, as this is my favorite part of the service. Kasey replied, letting me know she was already seated. I added a little pep to my step, found her, and joined in worship, singing along:

“I trust in God, my Savior,  

The One who will never fail.  

He will never fail.  

Perfect submission, all is at rest…”

I love this song by Elevation Worship. The worship team sang a couple more songs before the pastor walked up. This was my first time visiting her church, and I really liked the atmosphere. The church was packed with every seat filled. I realized that I should have taken her up on the offer to visit much sooner, but unfortunately, it took a traumatic event to get me here. I silently told the Lord I was sorry. 

“Good morning, church! Thank you all for being here. You can be seated. If it's your first time here, we are so thrilled to have you. Church, please give our guests a warm welcome. I’m Pastor Bradley, and my lovely wife is somewhere around here, being of service,” he said with a laugh. 

The congregation chuckled as she speedily made her way to the podium and stepped up to take the microphone. After a brief moment of playful banter between them, he handed her the mic. 

“Good morning, Pathway! I’m Stephanie, and it’s my pleasure to serve in this church. We have so many fun events coming up, so be sure to stick around after the service to learn more. Today, we have our meet and greet after service, and I’d love to get to know you and personally welcome you to Pathway.”

Feeling annoyed at how incredibly cute they are as a couple, I try not to be a hater and distract myself by checking my phone to ensure it’s on silent. I notice that Josh has called me twice. I don’t want to think about him right now; whatever he has to say can wait. Frankly, I only want to hear an apology, and even that won’t erase what he did. He did the unforgivable.

The pastor instructs us to open our Bibles to Matthew, chapter 18, verses 21-25. He puts the scripture on the screen, and today’s sermon is titled “Forgiveness: The Hardest Command.”

I feel like God has singled me out. Is this the Truman show? Because I'm starting to feel like I'm being watched. All I can think is, Lord, are you serious? I don’t want to hear anything about forgiveness, but so far, I’m really enjoying this experience, so I decided to follow along.

The pastor begins to read from the ESV version: “Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”

He finished reading the text then explained how forgiveness is not for the other person; it’s for you to be free. What really hit me in the gut was when he said, “No, they don’t deserve forgiveness, but neither did you, yet God, rich in grace and mercy, so freely gave it to you.” He continued, “You may never receive an apology, but let it go. I know you’re hurt, but let it go. I know you feel robbed, but let it go. I know you can’t get that time back, but let it go. Just let it go so you can walk out of the prison of unforgiveness, because the Lord wants you to live in freedom.”

I started to weep uncontrollably, speaking to the Lord internally, saying, “I don’t know how to let it go. I’ve been Mrs. Davis for most of my adult life. I’m scared of the unknown.”

Kasey started rubbing my back and handed me a kleenex from her purse.

“I know forgiving them feels like you are losing control and losing a part of yourself. You’ll never get back what they stole. GET OUT OF THE PRISON AND BE FREE!” Pastor Bradley proclaimed.

The congregation erupted with enthusiasm.

“You better preach, Pastor!” a lady hollered.

“Yes, sir!” a man in the back responded.

Then the pastor continued, “Is the blood of Christ enough to pay for what they did to you, allowing you to walk out today in freedom? Are you tired yet? Give it to Jesus. The Lord says, ‘Come, all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.’ He is calling you. Come to the altar and give it to Him. Lay your burdens at His feet. Come now.”

I stand up and make my way to the altar, falling to my knees and crying out to the Lord. Two ladies from the prayer team kneel beside me. One with her hand on my back and the other covering my knees with a cloth and they start praying.

“Let it out, honey. God’s got you,” one of them says.

My body starts trembling, and I feel a warm sensation radiate throughout me. It’s as if I’m wrapped in His loving arms, enveloped in a peace that’s hard to explain. I knew everything was going to be okay, and that He’d give me beauty for my ashes. I felt I had encountered the presence of God.

This church left me better than it found me. As I walked out, I felt a glimmer of hope. I know forgiveness will take time, and I still can’t quite wrap my mind around what that looks like for me, as the wound is still fresh. But I walk out knowing that I don’t have to face the unknown alone. God is with me.

Disclaimer: This story is fictional and created for encouragement, reflection, healing and inspiration. The characters, setting, events, and names are all fictional.